Sunday, December 05, 2021

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New Underwriting Guidelines...

Here are some new underwriting guidelines for Fifth Third Bank. (THIS IS  A JOKE) 

  • All Borrowers' Birth Certificate will be required with pictures taken in the hospital with medical staff.  Birth certificate with a live home delivery will not be eligible for first time home buyers.
  • Marriage certificate with bridal dress will be required if both husband and wife are required to qualify for the loan
  • GFE will not require signature but will require blood sampling from a recognized institution within three days of application
  • DNA test will be performed at closing to avoid any non-Arms Length transactions.  Loan funding will be contingent upon satisfactory receipt of DNA results.
  • Verification of deposit will be acceptable only if Bank representative is present at closing
  • Copy of Pay stubs and W-2 will only be acceptable from the  IRS with a wax sealed envelope mailed directly to the lender
  • Seven witnesses from the neighborhood will be required as proof of primary residence in case Borrower owns more than 1 property
  • All appraisers will be required to use Mask and ear plugs at the time of inspection to avoid any personal influence by the seller for the appraised value 
  • In order to correctly calculate DTI, borrower must provide a list of grocery items, monthly usage and brand names.  These will be required with receipts and projected 12 months consumption chart.
  • Closing will not occur without loan officer presence at settlement and Loan Officer picture will be taken at the closing in a Mug shot format with loan number on placard.  Picture should meet standard guideline of a 2 x 2 inch in color format with one facing and one side view.
  • Loan Officer picture will be attached to the Deed and Note and will be made available for general public and security agencies in case Borrower defaults on the loan.

Fifth Third Bank is not anticipating any underwriting delays based on these new requirements since it now takes forever to underwrite anyway.

I`m not a Quitter



A guy walks into the real estate office and hands the broker his application. The broker begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every real estate office he has ever worked for.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You`ve been fired from every real estate office."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the broker, "there`s not much positive in that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I`m not a quitter."

Bragging about Numbers

 

In a crowded elevator, one man asked another, "How`s business?" He responded, "Last year we sold 500,000 houses, 700,000 farms and 750,000 schools. This year we ought to do equally well and, in addition, sell 1,200,000 garages." As the elevator descended, there was heavy silence for a moment. Then someone spoke up indignantly. "Sir," he said, "I`m in real estate, and those figures are preposterous!" He didn`t know that the man boasting about his business was the marketing director of a major toy company.

Real Estate Card


A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I`m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new home."

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